Stay Up And Fight
by madzilla
Summary: "I didn't like how we left things," said Kathryn. An add-on to the Star Trek: Voyager novel 'Protectors' by Kirsten Beyer. Contains spoilers for the novel.


Captain Chakotay stared up at the stationary stars hanging above as he lay in his bed. Sleep was slow in coming to him tonight, despite the draining day he'd had. He had been looking forward to the arrival of Vice Admiral Kathryn Janeway – along with the starship _Vesta_ – since the moment he had heard of their impending return. Their arrival, however, had brought more troubles than comfort.

He had also not been expecting to be sleeping alone tonight.

He had been imagining his reunion with Kathryn for some time, but never in all the scenarios he'd envisaged had he and Kathryn been immediately plunged into conflict. Now, she was probably asleep in her quarters aboard the _Vesta_ – even more distant than she had been when they'd been Captain and First Officer of_ Voyager_. After their disastrous staff briefing, she'd returned to the _Vesta_ to address some 'Fleet business' and he had not heard from her for the rest of the evening.

He had once mentioned his concerns about their relationship mixing with their respective commands to his ship's counsellor and friend, Hugh Cambridge, before Kathryn had returned to the Alpha Quadrant. Now it seemed those fears had been well founded. Chakotay believed they could balance their personal and professional lives, though it would no doubt be a difficult balancing act to begin with. The current physical separation would make that transition even more difficult, however.

He rolled over, shifting the pillows to attempt to find a more comfortable position. His back to the doorway, he closed his eyes and willed his racing thoughts to quieten.

A high-pitched hum made his eyes fly open again. He swung around to see a column of light appear in his bedroom. After _Voyager_'s recent experiences with the wave form creatures he was immediately on alert, and his hand was already halfway to his combadge when he recognised the slight form coalescing in the transporter beam.

The transport complete, Kathryn stood in front of him in her robe and pyjamas, her hair loose. He noticed how much longer it was than before she'd left; she'd still had it pinned up in her usual bun when he'd seen her earlier.

They regarded each other silently for several moments.

"I didn't like how we left things," said Kathryn quietly. "And my mother always says never to go to bed angry."

_Stay up and fight_, thought Chakotay, but kept his thoughts to himself. After a pause, he wordlessly lifted the edge of the duvet up. A small, relieved smile crossed Kathryn's face before she slid in beside him, shucking her robe on the way. He held her close, breathing her in, before pressing a kiss into her hair.

"I'm sorry," she said into his chest, her voice muffled.

"Me too," he said. "Today didn't exactly go as I'd hoped."

Kathryn chuckled. "Me either," she said. "But I guess I dumped a lot of information on you all at once." She pulled back enough to look him in the eye, and he noticed the new freckles dusted across her nose. She had obviously been spending a lot of time outdoors, and if the renewed shine to her eyes was any indication, it had done her a world of good.

"I missed you," she said quietly.

"Same here," he said. "Every day." He failed to suppress a smirk. "And every night." He watched with pleasure as a hint of pink appeared in her cheeks.

"Yes," she said. "I – _thought_ of you often, too." He grinned at the hidden meaning in her words.

"So how _was_ your leave?" he said, as she settled herself against his side.

"It was – " Kathryn paused. How to describe to him the enormity of the change she'd felt in herself while she'd been away? She focused on the feel of his heartbeat under her palm for a moment before continuing.

"It was difficult," she began. "And wonderful. At first I stayed in San Francisco most of the time, went to counselling, wrangled the Admiralty –" Chakotay huffed out a laugh.

"But then I was assigned a new counsellor," said Kathryn. "A _good_ one. And - she helped me a great deal. After a few sessions with her, I left."

"Left?"

"Starfleet. The city. All of it. I went back to my mother's, and stopped taking Starfleet's calls."

Chakotay felt his eyebrows rise. "So what did you do at your mother's?"

"Whatever the hell I wanted," said Kathryn proudly, if a touch defensively. "I helped Mom out in the garden. I slept in. I read a lot of books that have been on my to-read list for – oh, decades, probably. One day, I sat in a coffee shop in town for hours, just people-watching. I haven't done that for _years_."

Chakotay couldn't help but smile at the happiness in her voice.

"Leaving behind everything I've known for all of my adult life was tough at first," she said. "But after a while, I started feeling this sense of peace and contentment I haven't felt for – " she paused. "Perhaps ever. The only time I've felt anything like that before was when I was with you."

He nodded in understanding, her words warming him, but stayed silent.

"I knew it couldn't last forever, though. And I suppose deep down, I wouldn't have wanted it to. I felt torn between this new, peaceful existence and the feeling that I was still meant for more. But I managed to get to a place in my heart where I was content to go with whatever came my way – so when the call came in from Headquarters I was prepared for whatever choice they'd made. That they decided to send me back here felt _right_ in the end, whereas before I'd been so uncertain."

"It _is_ right," said Chakotay. "This is where you belong." He squeezed her a little closer for a moment as he spoke, and Kathryn smiled.

"I know," she said. "I'm glad I came to realise that on my own terms." They lapsed back into silence for a few moments, Chakotay combing his fingers through the long, red-gold strands of Kathryn's hair.

"You said you were ordered to take quarters on the _Vesta_," he said, remembering a comment she'd made earlier. "So – they know?"

"They do."

"So isn't your being here going against those orders?"

He felt her shrug against him.

"Probably," she said. "But my orders were also to be discreet. This is certainly more discreet than beaming into Voyager's transporter room with an overnight bag."

Chakotay wasn't sure this was quite what Admiral Montgomery had meant by his recommendations, but she felt too good in his arms to argue the point.

"True," he said. "So they didn't outright order you to end our relationship?"

"I think Montgomery knows he can't actually do that," said Kathryn. "And he does have a point, I suppose - our being involved will likely make my command of this fleet more challenging than it would ordinarily be." She sighed. "On the other hand, even if we ended this right now, the feelings would still be there. And he has to know that, and he sent me back here knowing that. So no, I don't think he expects us to avoid each other entirely."

Chakotay chuckled. "That's good to know," he said. "I quite like having you around."

"Why, thank you," said Kathryn sardonically, leaning up on one elbow. She ran her eyes over his face, as though committing him to memory. Her smile faded slightly.

"I don't think I can stay all night," she said quietly. "While Starfleet isn't outright forbidding us to see each other, I don't want to push my luck my first day on the job. I can easily say I beamed over for ship's business if they see me return to the _Vesta_ tonight."

"You really think they'll check the logs that closely?" said Chakotay, knowing she was right but not wanting her to leave nonetheless.

"I wouldn't put it past them," she said. "Don't worry. It's just while we all settle in. We'll figure something out – sooner, rather than later."

"I hope so," said Chakotay, brushing the back of his fingers against her cheek. "We've waited long enough to be together again, and I'll be damned if Starfleet is going to stand in the way."

Kathryn took his hand in hers.

"They won't," she said. "We're in this together, remember?"

Chakotay rose up until he was leaning over her.

"We are," he whispered, before capturing her lips with his own. For several moments, he lost himself in her taste, her scent, the sensation of having her in his arms again. Eventually, she broke away, pleasantly flushed.

"Damn," she said quietly, stroking her thumb over his lips. "I really should go." He kissed her lightly, one last time.

"Soon," he said.

"Soon," she agreed, before sliding reluctantly out of the bed and pulling on her robe.

"Sleep well, Kathryn," he said. "I'll be thinking of you."

"Me, too," she said. "This won't last forever, I promise."

"I know," he said. "I love you."

"I love you too," she said, her smile as bright as a sun. "Sweet dreams." She tapped her combadge, and Chakotay squinted as the brightness of the transporter beam cut through the dim light of his quarters.

_The sweetest,_ he thought as he settled himself back against the pillows, Kathryn's scent still clinging to them. The path ahead would not always be an easy one for them, but he knew in his heart they would find a way to make it work. After everything they had been through, she was worth any struggle that might come his way.

The peace she had always brought him settled over Chakotay as he contemplated their future, bright with promise, and he soon fell into a contented sleep.


End file.
